Honesty is the best policy when two pals have feelings for the same person
Problems will ensue when two girls have a crush on the same boy. If the boy then has a relationship with one of the girls, things will get even more complicated.
In most cases, honesty is the only thing that will help save the best friends’ relationship from falling apart.
"A difficult situation like this can pose a serious threat to a friendship," says Elisabeth Raffauf, an author who writes books for teenagers.
In theory, your best friend’s crush should be off limits, but if you get clammy hands just by looking at him, then it’s time to put some thought into the matter.
"You should quietly consider your own feelings before things develop into a misunderstanding with your best friend," recommends Raffauf.
Perhaps what you think is love is, in fact, envy for your friend’s happiness. Or maybe, you are longing for your own harmonious relationship. Or perhaps you have taken your friend’s praise for her crush too literally or you want to cement your relationship to her by idolising him as well.
"You should ask yourself if you really have a crush on the boy and then talk about it," says Raffauf.
If it turns out the boy is considered to be "in" by your peers, you might be secretly wishing to be a part of the clique yourself. However, it’s not worth destroying a relationship with a best friend over something like that.
Jutta Stiehler is also in favour of a detailed self-analysis in this situation. Stiehler is part of the Agony Aunt team at German teenager magazine Bravo.
But if you do have a serious desire to be with the boy when you see him with your friend, you should talk to someone.
"Even in a situation that involves your best friend’s boyfriend, if you are feeling lovesick, you shouldn’t keep it to yourself," advises Stiehler.
To avoid unnecessary pain, you should keep out of the couple’s way. "It’s a good idea to only meet your friend when the boy is not around. After all, in the past you often met her alone and hung out together."
If your friend wants an explanation for your withdrawal, or if there is something unspoken between the two of you, then you should pluck up the courage for an open and honest discussion.
But what do you do if that leads to conflict? "A good relationship will stand up to something like that," says Stiehler.
Eventually, the point will come when you need to weigh up what is more important: the friendship or the crush.
"General advice is not helpful in that situation. It depends on the personalities of the friends and the boy as well as their relationship to each other," says Jacqueline Semper-Jost, a volunteer youth worker at a German online portal for young people.
A friendship that is already characterised by competition can probably survive some rivalry when it comes to a crush but only as long as the competitive element retains priority. "If a girl tries to improve her self-esteem at the expense of her best friend, then things can get out of control," says Stiehler.
In the worst-case scenario, both the friendship and the couple’s relationship will fall apart. But things don’t have to go that far. "An open and honest talk often helps to clear up matters and avoid conflict," says Semper-Jost.
It’s very important to find out if the boy knows that both girls have a crush on him.
"If it turns out that he was playing with the situation, or was even flirting with the other girl behind his partner’s back, then that is more likely to unite the two friends again."
But what happens when there is something more to the crush and if the boy has similar feelings too?
"Then you are caught in a very difficult situation for which there is no perfect solution," says Raffauf.
Adds Stiehler: "It would be very unfair to go behind your friend’s back and it doesn’t say anything good about your friendship." If you do that, you must expect the friendship to come to an end.
Even in a case where the boy and girl fairly treat the best friend who has been left to the side, it will be difficult to avoid a complete break in relations.
If you feel good about yourself, you will be prepared to devote time and energy to the other person and, at some stage, you will also be able to forgive.
That will provide an opportunity for a friendship to survive, with or without the boy in question.
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